stigma

i can't take the strain anymore. i wish self denial or a blissful ignorance would kick in but it isn't happening. i really shouldn't think this way, i myself have been guilty of so many such instances, always wavering, knocking about the pinballs and by dropping them betweeen the pucks it even gives me a short high.

not to mention the screwed up addiction as well, that makes it at least a hundred thousand times worst. that deep dark secret u read about in the papers and laugh so nonchalantly about. the literally daily routine, its been so long and never been outgrown of.it goes against every fibre of my "preaching" on spiritual and emotional health.

i have no right to be judgemental and will not do so.elation,intrigue,deprivation,doldrums,someone should just suck it all out.....................blocks of wood are so fortunate.

this self realisation ,or rather i always knew it was there but didn't admit it, does not make me equal nor portrays myself as being better at all. it just makes things in this world seem simpler.......everyone has darker unknown sides, portraits are deceiving. that said, i still cling on to the belief its the character which leaves the most room to be cognizant about. its how we see it,how we truly believe we know it, and that outweighs everything.

gavin poured silver metal at 3:31 PM. |

Battle Scars

ok i've come out of the lunar new year with a nicely padded wallet, not that heavy but an adequate harvest. only problem is i didn't come out without any injuries......

its official, i've sprained my left bicep, started lifting my 10KG dumbbell again with 3 sets of ten bicep curls. slow and simple, its been at least a year after all. oops guess i was the Dumbbell. was playing blackjack with my cousins last night and when i was banker, my left cranial lobe was screaming in agony. ok scientifically inaccurate but my left arm was vibrating somewhat just for a pack of cards.well at least i made a little $$ which is going to pain cream.

pimples, screw the little buggers. their like dormant volcanoes which erupt without any warning. why? why? i stayed away from goodies and got more sleep, cant they just drown in pimple cream and go away? hey that rhymes!

on another note, i was amused to find 2 cousins, both a year younger than me, to be happily dragging their girlfriends with them to the reunion lunch at my uncle's house. amused,that is, till i realised i'm indeed getting old and with no chance of practising monogamy nor polygamy even. not such a bad idea considering based on research done by sociologists, more people are getting divorced. one major factor was an increasing lifespan and hence more time to get tired of each other. oh yeah eternal love to all of u out there ^=^.

touching on sociology, i was explaining to another cousin what it was about. in the end i rattled on and on about divorce rates and the nuclear family.at least my mind's still got the ability to absorb facts. drawback is she's 14 years old, but at least she got the message the Arts faculty does not involve drawing only.

ah school, upcoming in the not so distant future, with some pride i announce i only have 160 days of NS left. i just got my 2nd-last haircut. could have been the last if it was a crew cut but decided against it. still aiming for hugh grant floppy hair. it covers the forehead buggers anyway.

answering all my relatives' queries on what i'm going to do in future, i find i'm driving towards a teaching career. that is, if NIE would accept me next time.teaching, moulding and shaping lives for society.

i've noticed a change in habits for myself. sleeping earlier, watching less tv, playing less computer games, spending less money. hmmm where did the excess time go. that's it, i'm taking my life back from the SAF and they can't stop me.

gavin poured silver metal at 8:27 PM. |

Little Patch Bear

hehe finally decided to go with a happier look. kinda like this cute little patch bear layout. i first came across this bear in J1 i think. some guy in the next class asked me to pass it to a classmate of mine. i spent the whole morning making fun of it, "mended bear", "reused bear", things like that.

although i loathe to admit it, i do like these soft toys and find them rather cute.i can spend an hour in such gift shops and not get bored.they do come up with interesting items such as Mashi-Maro phones or 3-ft high Tweetie Birds.

the things guys would do to go after girls in JC.sending secret letters, sneaking in small gifts, asking out for dinner and movies. haha of course i had my fair share of those, receiving end even, but i never "settled down". once i thought i'd get close to someone i'd just lose interest and drift away.it seems that way with friends even.

i've supposedly made many friends from my escapades in school,volunteerism the past few years yet when you lose contact for 2-3years, i guess that eliminates them from your circle.so what makes a friend? i'm quite happy with the small pool of people i'm close to these days.

anyway i'm slowly becoming a workaholic this past 6 months. tiring myself out like crazy, ending work later and volunteer planning at night.seems enjoyable somewhat........its always nice to be busy.....now to clear volunteerism emails over this long cny break. got quite a few.......

gavin poured silver metal at 9:13 AM. |

spunk: spirit;pluck

i feel the a/m title is an apt one, yet this blog posting is one mixed with a tinge of sadness amidst this recollection.

Doris Cheong is in my eyes, a remarkable lady. she's part of a rare breed of Nonya ladies and is in her 70s this year. she gave birth to 3 daughters and though never rich, she worked to the bone to put each and every one of them through secondary school, and one through to university.her husband may be regarded by some as unfaithful and to an extent a bum but this does not in any way make him a lesser person. we all have good and bad qualities.

Doris was not highly educated and she mainly made ends meet through babysitting and bringing up children from other families. she has several godsons and goddaughters and if it were still possible, she'd be looking after their children as well.

Extremely protective of her daughters, she regarded each prospective son-in-law with prejudice and it'd take a brave man to withstand her rantings and ravings. she was the matriach of the family with an iron will but her daughters have the same stubborness.

Her eldest daughter married the neighbour's son next door, registering the marriage without her consent but Doris accepted it,believing it'd turn out alright. the next son-in-law would follow the same route, encountering much difficulty and some extremely strong words.

Doris' eldest daughter contracted leukemia in 1990 and at that time, it was near fatal. Doris was seen as the closest blood platelet donor and they were brought to London to seek consultation. However the doctors did not want to risk surgery due to the advanced stage and her daughter was brought back to singapore, to just prolong the inevitable. Doris should have been devastated but she never expressed it, especially to her 6-year old grandson.

Finally one night her son-in-law stumbled into the flat in tears and kneeled down in front of her.the suffering had ended but doris held him up. he had done his best and she knew it.

For the next 8years she took it upon herself to provide a motherly presence for him. he'd call her at least once every week and they'd chat for at least an hour each time, just chit chatting.even though they lived apart she made it a point to cook him his favourite dishes and send him his favourite recipes for the maid to follow.

Time has a funny way of letting people drift apart. Doris and her grandson gradually drifted away, save for visits and special occassions. but he can never forget how she was there for him, chasing him around the house with onions when he was a naughty little boy.

Doris has aged much thruout this past few years, falling prey to alzheimer's disease of slowly degenerating memory cells. she had part of her colon taken out, being diagnosed with 3rd stage cancer in 2002'. recent tests have projected the remission from cancer may be over.

My grandmother has never shown being upset nor given in to emotional baggage. she really is one individual with spunk and i'm proud to always remember this and treasure the moments.

Cotrolling emotion is difficult, i'm still trying to figure it out. Sometimes i think it'd be better to be free of emotions..................but we'll miss out on so much in life.......sighez

gavin poured silver metal at 7:43 PM. |

day in the life.....of gabond: navy ns clerk

Foreword: Am posting this blog reluctantly, should be planning for other things right now but am too mentally tired.

8am: walked into the office, dumped my bag onto my seat and followed the usual meaningless morning routine. take officer A's cup + flask, greet and give a cheerful morning smile. then its off to wash his cup and fill up his flask with warm water. re-enter again, another smile and i'm out of his room.open big boss' room and "click""click""click""click" switch on his 2 monitors and 2 computers. then I put fresh flowers plucked from the nearby garden into his vase and fluff them. nah, kiddin abt tht last part, would seem nice though and he may promote me some more.

830am: have unlocked the cabinets and feel lethargic, being out of smiles after greeting everyone walking in. time to pop down to the canteen for a quick caffeine shot. the coffee lady has memorised what i buy by heart. normally its tea but for extra caffeine i take black coffee.

845am: back to office and start answering my emails. delete,forward,electronic scoldings/rantings/ravings. i esp like that last bit, i have the authority to chase people and get things done for my bosses. i don't mention my rank though. i'm really not a very nice guy from 8-5.

930am: have done some paperwork by now, then its off to break with my friend next door. its the only time of the day we unleash the complaints and lame jokes we store inside. we seldom go for lunch.

10am-1130am: usually a hellacious period where everyone has gotten over morning lethargy and the caffeine kicks in. if i'm lucky i get to stay in the office doing my filing and paperwork but that's never the case. "Gavin" is called repeatedly and i'm pulled in all directions. not to mention running to answer my phone each time it rings. i'm a regular call operator with a 'smiley voice'. kinda hard to maintain it.

1130am: everyone is happy again. they start going off for lunch while i stay back and enjoy some quiet internet time. hardly any calls, so i just do more paperwork and sort out the day's mail.

1330pm: have gotten my second caffeine shot and am back to swing of things. its office maintenance period. time for me to work on computers and chase the pc support team down. its amazing how often the computers and mail accounts hang. then its liasing with other departments for office stuff. usually its the period i do the most begging and scolding. begging if i need something, scolding if i didn't get it yet.this takes about an hour, interspersed with 'gavin' calling.

3pm: starting to feel drowsy, but force myself to keep awake. do some admin work, transport claims, travel claims, typing out of forms and of course filing.

4pm: looking forward to the end of the day. start clearing officers' outtrays, i'm their personal secretary and errand boy. finally i clear my desk, its a warzone with stick-its and papers strewn over my keyboard. important stuff stays by my keyboard, umimportant stuff r kept for 2 days before i tear them up. they may become important again.

5pm: lock up cabinets and just hang around complaining with my colleague. out of office by 1715hrs.i clear my head.

office manpower: 20 officers, 1 secretary to the big boss and 2 clerks. my clerk just came 3 weeks back so i'm trying to spend time teaching her the ropes. not like there's much time. i'm also secretary to boss number 2.

office environment: we have 3 offices so i run all over the place.

office attitude: they love me!

funding for office: S$few billion that includes 1 naval base and 6 stealth frigates

side effects: occasional stomach pains from no lunch.irritated and mentally drained state when home.

gavin poured silver metal at 8:21 PM. |

21

ok lets finish off this inspirational blogging week, i probably won't blog much once i'm back to the whirlwind of NS. my final journey of 6 months, kicking around the new clerks while acting busy.

i switched on my icq and saw the birthday logo come out for an old jc classmate. turns out she's the first of my 83' batch whom i know is turning 21.is 21 that significant a deal? hotel parties? though i must say if i were very rich i'd give my friends a free cruise with me. there's always TOTO.....

strangely these days i view normally happy and festive occasions with a distant and detached demeanour.a mass gathering of people puts me off somewhat.

i don't see anything realistically to be depressed about. i got a good number of things going from 9-5, volunteer events to plan for, yet i'm always very touchy on family issues albeit me reducing it to a minor role in my life.

growing up without a mom, i feel somewhat left out emotionally. no doubt i share a good relationship with my dad but studies, social and school life had to be self initiated, hence probably my actions of self-independence on many matters.i've left my stepmom and her family out of my life but i don't regret it because i'm still cordial and don't hate anyone. hate is a strong word.

its been 21 years of my existence. the brief heart-stopping and total breakdown of my life when i was 18 was not the proudest moment amidst scholarships and the life of a top student but it made me look forward to exploring life again.

if there's something i'd change it not be my results but how singaporeans view education.

Scenario: A level release March 2002'

I wait expectantly for my result slip as i queue up. I go up to the teacher sitting by the desk. She smiles as she finds the slip and recognises my face. Sees slip and a chain reaction, smile drops, mouth curls in annoyance and eyes turn shifty.

Me: Is it that bad?
Teacher(quickly forcing smile): No,no whatever made you think so. Very good Very good.

I took a quick look at the results and walked away. definitely what i expected but i just wiped off a coupla hundred distinctions off the school's upcoming ranking.that means less prestige and lower distinction statistics for them.

i'm happy i just managed to scrape into university based on the last minute cramming.i'm not sure whether to start a new route of life in university or just treat it as another stepping stone of life. hall and games activities sound tempting to most but they just don't interest me yet.

no one can ever forget the past but we can always look forward......there's much to explore..............

gavin poured silver metal at 11:09 PM. |

VOLUNTEERING

have so many thoughts this week, now being another anniversary i celebrate my volunteer organising. time flies so fast, and it has remained a big part of my life. i started in the dec 98' youth camp and now the dec 03' camp has just ended with its annual closing ceremony. For 5 years has the sacrifice been worth so much over all this time? my life breakdown a few years ago was also partly due to doing too many programmes while juggling school life and family issues.

would i have made more friends in normal school life if i had stopped volunteering? even now i find myself having volunteering meetings/events and cancelling dates with the few close friends i have. yet i refuse to acknowledge volunteering as my personal life.

the number of people who've been through in and out volunteering with me, i've already lost count of. what's left are memories and names, less so than faces. each year there's a new batch of volunteers i'm working with as the previous batch focuses more on school,work,marriage and their personal life.am i still in limbo?

i see it as making a difference in this world. for every 100 students i reach out and touch to, i only need 1 to keep on volunteering and helping the less fortunate. the other 99 are at least made aware that this world is not perfect and there are many,many who need a helping hand,a listening ear and at least a cheerful face reaching out...........

comparing myself to my predecessors and peers, i'm not as eloquent, not as organised and not as sociable.perhaps its an inferiority complex. its hard to take a step back and see the way your doing things. a few thousand students later and i'm still wondering..........................

gavin poured silver metal at 11:41 PM. |

day 2

and here i am taking another long shower again. did i mention i loved the cabin toilet? ;P my stomach hasn't recovered much but i'm pretty sure i put on a few much needed pounds.

went to the jackpots for one final time and made a bit of $$ back. if i had another few days i'd probably start making $$. haha overall lost only 48% of total capital spread out over 3hours. not bad lah~

spent a few hours wandering around the ship, mingling around BOLLYWOOD stars and gazing at the straits of malacca.

as we approached singapore island, i took a few nice pics of our lion city. hope my digi cam shows them out nicely. DVDs made it through safely customs but the adventure didnt end.

queing at the taxi stand, i shook my head at the long queue and had half a mind to pop over somewhere else to take. suddenly this old man pushed this trolley through the queue ,or should i say people, saying "SCUSE ME SCUSE ME". everyone muttered but let him pass until he met another old man....

BAM!BOOF! hokkien expletives all over the place. KUDOS to harbourfront staff for the restrain, but then again, 2 old men cant hurt each other much. even as the 'righteous old man' boarded the taxis he continued challenging the other old man to a fight. not that he cared, cause he had already been thrown out of the queue by the staff.

my taxi driver was like the "gand leader" from jack neo movies, haircut, mole and hokkien accent as well. a lorry nearly rammed into our taxi on the way home, cutting in suddenly. more hokkien expletives...........very much worse than mine at the jackpot machines.................and i'm home safely petting my slobbering dog. damn cat is in a corner pretending to ignore me until i go over and cuddle it. but that's another story...........

gavin poured silver metal at 3:59 PM. |