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choice: power,right,or liberty to choose
sucking nin-jiom sweet, after taste is suspiciously like dog food or its the coffee wrecking havoc on my tongue. decided to face the music, the dreaded absent minded,sickly,nervous clerk. i only have 60days left so its either i tell her what the mountain she has left to learn or she die. literally die after i leave. was being as hard hearted and even-toned as i could be, no room for emotion but i really don't take too kindly to office smses complaining or seeking solace after i let you go home early and cover for you every single day til 6,7pm. she: you can't expect me to know as much as you after only 4 months. me: yes but your still making basic mistakes. she: you hurt my feeling, saying i do basic things wrong (what i wanted to say: yah what u throw back the book to me 5 times without making any effort each time. i also never say must do immediate.take your time get it right lah.and its just writing 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 for the number of docs in the file. wtf) me: because its wrong and will haunt you a year from now.either i tell you why its wrong now or you kena scolded a year from now. she: the working environment is ok but........ me: great, i got 2 months left, you want to tell me you don't like me its fine, you can say so, as long as you get your basics right.i rather be bo chap anyway.and another thing, don't sms me you got high fever and nearly die when young, don't go round spouting you take valium,and dont tell people your always in poor health. its ok if i know but if the bosses know, they ain't going to be too merciful when your job is in line for renewal. she was stunned and i think crying a bit at the end. smsed me around 6pm. cant really remember,deleted it but she said its the best way to communicate with me. i sit 1m behind her and she even emails me if i'm free in the afternoon to go through something with her.she brought a radio to "compete" with mine. i'm more amused than anything at the childishness, now we got 88.3 and class 95 going at the same time.sure kena headache. man i'm a monster or somethin.............. had a good walk through redhill estate, even ate some ice cream from an oldfashioned ice cream cart.really old estate with the kids running around,low-rise hdb flats and old badminton/basketball courts. cant remember the last time i saw such a hive of family activity. must be the hours i'm away from the world or ever rushing from one place to another.you really cant see much of the world walking home at 10pm. was walking with this 28-year old ex-challenger salesman. he was going to see his friend at holland V for a drink. seems like his friend had a one night stand with a lady and got her pregnant, yet is no way ready for a family. woah.cool. spent the next coupla mins dicussing mental and physical after effects of abortion. don't get me wrong, if it were me(and hope to god no unless i were dead drunk.but if your in that state you probably couldn't DO it) i'd be a man to face up to my actions.no way let the lady suffer.get a job and face the consequence man.either that or run to malaysia. one can easily get lost there. his piece of advice on the train: play around the market, dont tie yourself down. i proposed to my girlfriend, we were this close to getting married then she felt she wasn't ready. sorry lor, this price one time only, i'm still with you but if someone else comes along its bye bye lor. i'm surprise, there's still a huge social work banner of me from 2001 on display. struck me that other than contacts and no more curry-pok center parting, i look the same. man, so i looked 25 back then too.that means my mentality is 30yrs old.no wonder my bones are creaking.living to a 100 does not look like a viable option. thank god for working with students, i keep my sanity in check.their so bloody innocent.or i like to believe so.
message:A usually short communication transmitted by words, signals, or other means from one person, station, or group to another.
realised more people read this blog occasionally than i thought. he asked me why i'm always so sad, am unable to come up with any answer at all. tis strange.best answer i could come up with is dysfunctionality. was reading about the thai sex change operation, maybe hormone pills would make me look happy? perfect figure, long hair, porcelain skin. urgh...ok enuff. i've decided if i dont get where i want by 35, i'm going to be a priest or a monk. not a bad deal considering i can be rich and have as many goddaughters as i want. guess there was the amazement that my phone actually had an sms limit. office/social work people starting to sms and call my h/p more. i think it hit 200 smses just these past 2 weeks alone.need to start searching for a more suitable plan. stupid h/p, i say to it everyday, i already have emails and now i got email on the go as well. screw you! best sms was when i was eating my breakfast. "gavin please call smc, col XX is jumping up and down in changi over his computer right now". that made me the one jumping up and down, col happens to be big s***. i spent the next 20mins frantically calling smc(computer maintenance) and smsing.think it gave me another pimple and i lost the urge to eat my chicken. was working at the computer alone at 1730.strangest sms from my still hopeless clerk ever: ever since i got high fever when young, almost die, i very forgetful. wah kao....what am i supposed to do..i take over her work, i give her off while i cover, i dont pile any work on her.i pity her somewhat, she has gastric, takes valium at night, had 2 ulcers in her mouth, is forever slow and suffering, has mood swings. but...i cant do much more to help her out.im surprised she's still walking. going out soon, finally after he pressed me from x'mas,cny,and oh its april already? i'm dragging myself out to meet him for dinner. reality bites, he's leaving in august and i'm still screwed up busy.some friend i am....... think i'm going to live in my office in april. please let it be the last busy month of my ns life...please....the only day of rest i have is good friday and that's going to be spent with the lord. was planning to watch forever fever but in view of my dwindling finances and social events,birthdays and weddings coming up decided not to.still wonderin if i should be happy i'm invited though. guess i've recovered somewhat from all my outbursts, and i didnt take hormone pills nor valium! but i wonder how to define myself who spends sunday afternoon using his toes twiddling with the window blinds and then takin a photo of it.
sleep:natural periodic state of rest for the mind and body
spent the whole night wriggling to and fro. called someone and made a mess, thought she was ignoring me online.cant remember what i said but it was crap.another overreacted explosion. seraphim, i'm sorry, its not you, its just me. evileye, i'm sorry i cant be more entertaining and dont feel like going hang out, i feel like crap. that got me thinking: why? its been like this for half a week. i've finally nailed it down to old issues haunting me, which eventually leads to my irritatability and volatility. it boils down to the same circumstances surrounding the last time i felt this way. no girls involved but basically the accumulation of responsibilities and my external activities does not bode a fair path for the family altruism i freaking had to exhibit.and the more work i do for escapism, i get more irritatable. a vicious cycle. i can't take this lying down forever, never really snapped out of it all these years.am literally torn between filial piety and my own selfish interests.sure its all very well to be filial but each time i see her or anythin that reminds me of her my face gets long.just cracking a joke takes so much effort that exhausts me. my smile is forced as well. it doesn't help she's still recovering, i would seem like a bastard to voice out my opinions now.she gave me a t-shirt in gratitude for what i forced myself to do.....but if i did what my bad side wanted me to do, i'd throw it back at her.then all hell would break loose.........so its just hanging in my wardrobe, a painful reminder of the past few weeks. its bouts of crazy mood swings and depressions i'm having. have decided to go on a spirit refilling run. tv,beer,music,reading and sleep. no sms,no computers,no going out unless i have to. just me,me and more me. i refuse to assume people will comfort me, but you got to fend for yourself in this world. if only life would let me take a timeout........
mood: a state of mind or emotion
its official, i'm in a depressive mood swing.haven't had it since december. must be all the exertions of the past few weeks.and the altruism to people i have no need for in my life.this morning dunked tea,coffee,2 panadols and head's still woozy. really hate sleeping with airconditioning. literally blew up when asked about my driving lessons, got no time for them. slammed the door and walked out when i got pressed on it. didn't feel the need to explain anymore shit. whatever time i have left is spent recharging my life's energy levels. that's it for a hot-tempered guy. guess i'm really an ass at times underneath the exterior.heck no one's perfect.well on the outside i like to show i am though....male pride.... am sending out the application soon, from what i gather this should really be life changing. i can finally be self dependent financially and do what i really want to do. i don't need anyone telling me what to do, i've been making my own choices my whole bloody life.physically i'm there but emotionally ive been pushing people who try to chip into my life away. just a simple extract from a conversation i had with a friend while sitting down at bugis food court. YC: Why do we do the things we do when we know they aren't right? Me: that's why we're sitting here talking about them man. if everything were right then we have nothin to f*** about YC: Just look at those girls walking around, their like factory made, all look the same. Me: yeah the good girls are hiding away somewhere. but i kinda like these factory made s***.not bad just for looking at. At the mrt station, he goes east i go west. YC: well our trains are coming Me: yeah back to life YC: life? there's something else to describe it. Me: yeah, hell =) YC: yeah my ride to hell's here.cya ard. =) Me: f life man i'll miss YC when he starts work after graduation later this year. as for me, i'll just stumble over my 2 left feet in life.uh i mean hell.
ache:To suffer a dull, sustained pain
its not over.full days of springing out of bed,going through the whirlwind of life and reaching home at 9-10ish only to struggle to do my "paperwork". as much as mind over matter, my body is starting to feel the aches and my neck is cricking/cracking more often. i gave in last night, came home and concussed into bed around 10. but my dog woke me up at 12AM barking away. couldn't go back to sleep so hit the net a bit. then got sick of it so plonked back into bed. A quote from my 8-6(ish!) life: "gavin does everything". haha i'm a crazy bugger but i don't mind spending my life a workaholic. got a call yesterday from my aunt, looks like i got to concentrate the other side of my family now. what am i, a mediator,messiah or a listening ear or something........... on another note, i'm applying for something out of the ordinary, away from the big three NUS,NTU,SMU and following what i hope i'll be happy with. to the external observer they'd say i'm crazy, it aint even lasalle nor sim and i've absolutely no financial difficulty. not to mention the bond that comes with it.many people are put off by the mention of a bond. i guess events made me realise how short life really is and what i really want. yes i am only 21, so i like to believe but if everything goes smoothly, i'll be entering the "workforce" in july. i wish to be self sufficient and with this scheme, things don't seem that bad, there's even a degree involved. hope i get it. back to life.
ache:To suffer a dull, sustained pain
its not over.full days of springing out of bed,going through the whirlwind of life and reaching home at 9-10ish only to struggle to do my "paperwork". as much as mind over matter, my body is starting to feel the aches and my neck is cricking/cracking more often. i gave in last night, came home and concussed into bed around 10. but my dog woke me up at 12AM barking away. couldn't go back to sleep so hit the net a bit. then got sick of it so plonked back into bed. A quote from my 8-6(ish!) life: "gavin does everything". haha i'm a crazy bugger but i don't mind spending my life a workaholic. got a call yesterday from my aunt, looks like i got to concentrate the other side of my family now. what am i, a mediator,messiah or a listening ear or something........... on another note, i'm applying for something out of the ordinary, away from the big three NUS,NTU,SMU and following what i hope i'll be happy with. to the external observer they'd say i'm crazy, it aint even lasalle nor sim and i've absolutely no financial difficulty. not to mention the bond that comes with it.many people are put off by the mention of a bond. i guess events made me realise how short life really is and what i really want. yes i am only 21, so i like to believe but if everything goes smoothly, i'll be entering the "workforce" in july. i wish to be self sufficient and with this scheme, things don't seem that bad, there's even a degree involved. hope i get it. back to life.
ache:To suffer a dull, sustained pain
its not over.full days of springing out of bed,going through the whirlwind of life and reaching home at 9-10ish only to struggle to do my "paperwork". as much as mind over matter, my body is starting to feel the aches and my neck is cricking/cracking more often. i gave in last night, came home and concussed into bed around 10. but my dog woke me up at 12AM barking away. couldn't go back to sleep so hit the net a bit. then got sick of it so plonked back into bed. A quote from my 8-6(ish!) life: "gavin does everything". haha i'm a crazy bugger but i don't mind spending my life a workaholic. got a call yesterday from my aunt, looks like i got to concentrate the other side of my family now. what am i, a mediator,messiah or a listening ear or something........... on another note, i'm applying for something out of the ordinary, away from the big three NUS,NTU,SMU and following what i hope i'll be happy with. to the external observer they'd say i'm crazy, it aint even lasalle nor sim and i've absolutely no financial difficulty. not to mention the bond that comes with it.many people are put off by the mention of a bond. i guess events made me realise how short life really is and what i really want. yes i am only 21, so i like to believe but if everything goes smoothly, i'll be entering the "workforce" in july. i wish to be self sufficient and with this scheme, things don't seem that bad, there's even a degree involved. hope i get it.
ache:To suffer a dull, sustained pain
its not over.full days of springing out of bed,going through the whirlwind of life and reaching home at 9-10ish only to struggle to do my "paperwork". as much as mind over matter, my body is starting to feel the aches and my neck is cricking/cracking more often. i gave in last night, came home and concussed into bed around 10. but my dog woke me up at 12AM barking away. couldn't go back to sleep so hit the net a bit. then got sick of it so plonked back into bed. A quote from my 8-6(ish!) life: "gavin does everything". haha i'm a crazy bugger but i don't mind spending my life a workaholic. got a call yesterday from my aunt, looks like i got to concentrate the other side of my family now. what am i, a mediator,messiah or a listening ear or something........... on another note, i'm applying for something out of the ordinary, away from the big three NUS,NTU,SMU and following what i hope i'll be happy with. to the external observer they'd say i'm crazy, it aint even lasalle nor sim and i've absolutely no financial difficulty. not to mention the bond that comes with it.many people are put off by the mention of a bond. i guess events made me realise how short life really is and what i really want. yes i am only 21, so i like to believe but if everything goes smoothly, i'll be entering the "workforce" in july. i wish to be self sufficient and with this scheme, things don't seem that bad, there's even a degree involved. hope i get it.
weighted:To add to, by or as if by attaching a weight; make heavy or heavier
hmmm 1800h, seems like its becoming routine that i finally get a little time to slack around this hour.downloaded this skin sometime ago and sat down to complete it. been a weird week, weighed myself last inght and to my horror i lost a kg.must be all the walking around i did, as indeed i was limping around the past 2 days.not to mention all the mental taxation. i miss the days when i can just kick back, relax and just play computer games before finally crashing into bed, but that's terrible mental stimulation. looking back at the past coupla weeks there's a lot more HAVE than WANT. HAVE as in what i have to do as a responsible coservative bugger and WANT as in what i really want to do. Been getting into an antisocial swing and didn't even want to sms anyone today. Switched on my phone at 12AM last night, 2 smses both from the office. Replied both and my officer called me back. Rather surprised but it seems that a colleague had a mild heart attack yesterday during lunch and we had to rush back to the office this morning to fill in an incident report. Then my officer and I went to NUH to visit her. Really mood spoiling, going to the hospital and seeing the dozens of people who need help. This was my 6th trip in 09 days to see someone in a hospital. that works out to every 60hrs i find myself back in the "sickhouse". X is going back to the hospital for an operation to remove a growth and turns out she might be hospitalised for up to a week. On the chirpy but sarcastic side, its Mt. Alvernia so i get to visit the 3rd different hospital in as many weeks. Am trying to stay upbeat but its kinda hard. The upcoming week seems almost as full as the past one. A 21st B*day celeb, 2 Volunteer meetups, not to mention covering for my colleague as she's stuck in NUH or home.I swear i only get a little more than 1/2 hr of TV a day.Got to plan more on people/things i WANT to do more with. I guess thats how i view myself. Problem free, everything going right so might as well stick your nose up into other people's ass when they need help. Akin to a simple example that if a student's playing truant the teacher repeatedly goes to the home to pursuade him to come back. Then, when i stick my nose up their ass i get weighed down by their problems. I swear i'll never be a counsellor. A few experiences r enough for me. Actions speak louder than words, i'd rather make something happen than sit down and sweet talk you. Got a long night of typing to finish my proposal. I may fall asleep over it again. SGH anyone? Haven't gone there for a long time...............
spectrum:A broad sequence or range of related qualities, ideas, or activities
wow 6pm, cant believe im at home basking in laziness for 1/2 an hr. well for a while more at least, stil got uni applications and a funding paper to attend to. not particularly enticing after suffering a gruelling 1.5 hr bus ride, climbing up and down Bukit Gombak Hill,searching for departments, dunking down lunch before rushing to NUS, and walking from Engine Fac to NUH. tht NUS walking is equivalent to a good 20minute brisk walk on my 1.83m tall frame. i estimate 2-3km........oh and escorting X back home, she got discharged today...... someone up there must be smiling at me, thankfully someone i tried to catch up for lunch cancelled on me to study....haha..cuz i eventually wld have...very bad.....but ever optimistic. met so many people while doing my errands in NUS, which leads me to believe that i will have a torrid time the first few months. i detest the usual "Hey Gavin, long time no see, how ya doing" crap.just leave me alone thank you very much.if i want to i'll ask you and we'll see how it goes from there. i guess more people know me than i care to know back in return. *shrugs* what particularly gave me a flashback was walking through NUH's basement along the staff canteen. haven't been back there since she died. still smelled the same, a fresh coat of paint, now its more cheery orangey. the corridors were still lined with the same trolley guards, i remember running my fingernails along them back then as we walked. the place seems a lot smaller than i remember it but i've gotten a lot bigger as well. a coupla weeks ago my relative gave me a vivid description of the night they verified her corpse.you got to pass through the driveway to get to the mortuary. it seemed so ethereal as i walked through the bustling people and stared at the sign "MORTUARY". so that's where they brought her. i guess my incoming future lies at the other side of the hill.the past is just next door.
love:An intense emotional attachment
haha dont get any wrong ideas about the title, its more like i love knowing myself. just got the easiest online survey, just enter your D.O.B, name and you got an analysis. Gavin is a steady, responsible and reliable individual who dislikes change for change's sake. He is a solid family person who enjoys tradition, but is inclined to say exactly what he thinks. Such frankness can occasionally land him in trouble. Behind a somewhat ponderous exterior lies a deeply sensitive soul whose core is rarely exposed to public view. Tenacious and stubborn, Gavin is someone who works slowly and methodically to achieve success. Not the sort of individual to turn the world on fire, Gavin is nonetheless a thoroughly reliable person whose careful approach to life brings steady reward. He is something of a perfectionist who can be counted upon to complete tasks without supervision. With independence of mind, Gavin may have seemed to be something of a loner in his early life. But as he matures that independent streak will lead him to positions in which others will rely upon his judgement and impartiality. Whatever skill he masters, whatever career he pursues, it should be one where his natural talent to command can be properly utilised. Although Gavin may be reasonably talkative in public, he finds it difficult to express personal feelings to those closest to him. In employment terms, this inhibition is of little consequence. With a creative mind and a good memory, Gavin is honest, straightforward and optimistic. He will achieve his aims. He is capable of creative thought, and will appreciate art and music. He also enjoys an excellent memory - a significant advantage in any employment. Creative yet somewhat insecure, Gavin is a family-orientated person who enjoys domestic responsibilities. He could well be employed in the hospitality industry - perhaps running a hotel, or B & B venture. In an office environment Gavin will be valuable as the individual to whom others will turn for moral support. But home for Gavin is where the heart is, and domestic responsibilities will always be important. Gavin will find life's lessons hard to learn. He will suffer from loss (of possessions or those he loves) before questioning the cause of that loss. It is likely that Gavin will develop a faith of some sort, and although it need not necessarily be a religious faith, it will nevertheless be something that he holds onto against all the evidence. Potential employers need to find out what that faith entails. Good with details and with a methodical approach, Gavin nevertheless is someone who enjoys constant new challenges to maintain his interest. He is a methodical individual with attention to detail, but is inclined to leave tasks unfinished if his active mind alights on something of greater interest. Routine tasks that fail to challenge his intellect are at greatest risk, so Gavin needs a job that offers variety. Ambitious to improve his lot, Gavin will constantly push forward to achieve something in his life, yet this ambition will be balanced by humanitarian ideals that will lead him to support causes that may demand self-sacrifice.
half:mdway between two points or conditions
there's a little bit of hot-temperedness mixed in between this post. the complexion on my forehead is killing me,due to (1)emergency trips to the hospital and (2)juggling volunteer seminars and NS life. sure the latter is what i chose and am forced to do but the former is what got me pissed.there cld be a liberal use of vulgarities here. the first emergency trip happened at night and got me shifting X to first a clinic and then the A & E Dept at the hospital. was out for 4 hrs til 12am til X's children took over.then i went home literally concussed. its not easy handling the wheelchair, the shifting, the paperwork, the admissions, conversing with the doctor and listening to the analysing of the tests. no wonder it costs so much $$. just came home from the hospital, turns out X had a blocked bowel. had ended a seminar and was looking forward to chilling at home, no h/p no computer, no people, juz good old fashion music listening and tv. yet...... bundled her to the hospital again. this time i was more prepared and not to mention had a nice receptionist this time unlike the previous grumpy one. unfortunately i was all business like, wanting to get the job done. i mean who smiles when bringing someone to A & E fir treatment? going back to the title half, its in reference to a grand aunt i admire for her infamous bluntness. if she sees a relative being unfilial or doing something wrong she goes ahead and helps them out but she also scolds them upside down inside out. X has 2 children, one daughter and a son. excerpt of conversation with son Me: X is in hospital again, going to be warded tihs time Son:Um, a little busy, what time you want me come down? i'm at my girlfriend's house, may come down around 7pm. it was 4 fucking pm, your mum is in hospital and wtf u come at 7.i didn't make a meal out of it so i said ok. turns out the bugger came at 830. strolling along the corridor hand-in-hand with girlfriend just like chatting along orchard road. i'd have exploded there and then but it was a hospital. the daughter was polite over the phone and said she'd come around dinner. when i left with X in the hands of the son, she had just called. she wanted to have dinner with her boyfriend first and probably would come around 9pm. again what the fucking hell. your mum is in hospital and you come 5 hours later after having a lovey-dovey dinner and roaming around singapore. my contacts were killing me, i had just ended a 6 hour seminar and spent 6 fucking hours covering the ass of 2 buggers.this over 4 cups of black coffee. screw the state of youth, what i learnt from a very interesting seminar, you got to be stupid and naive to help people. but.......u believe your doing good for this world.and i met people who've been doing it for 30 years. quote from an older volunteer "there are still stupid people like us in this world"
sensitive:Susceptible to the attitudes, feelings, or circumstances of others
finally got some energy this week to stay mentally active at this time of the evening, been dozing off with all the energy expended during the day. most women are sensitive creatures, there i was guessing it wouldn't hurt to chat to my trainee clerk since i had a little free time yet......got an sms screwing me in my concussed state 6hours later as i was leaving the office and literally dragging my feet. my intention was to ask her what work she had to do as she was caught up with a small project the whole of last week, and since i could spare some time i'd help her clear some of her workload. she politely declined and we chatted a bit yet the sms eventually came "don't you ever spot check my work again, i never check on what YOU do". what ensued was a whole lotta sh** she blurted out over the phone which i had no idea about. it seems that most of my efforts caused her to i quote "i can be very easy going but the things you do can nearly make me burst". that made my blood boil a while, cause i've got an ever increasing workload,doing no pay OT even, and the speed/efficiency/effort has unfortunately landed more work or rather "trust" on my lap.screw that "A". the next day she was smiling away, happy cause her birthday was coming. i think that gave me a few more wrinkles on my already furrowed forehead, women are too complex. i chose to stay away mostly. tis unfortunate i got to play bad guy tomorrow, so soon after her birthday. i found out she lost something important thru the mail and she didn't put any return address, got to gently break the bad news to her and the boss. not to mention more work piling solely upon her with 15 new staff just posting in. i am so not going to sit beside her at my desk too long, gotta find something to keep me away from a woman's wrath........... |
blogger Name: gavin |
